Is the goatee actually kind of goated?

Let's explore.

Early last year, I broached the polarizing subject of men’s facial hair with my hairstylist to get a professional’s take on the recent ubiquity of the mustache. I had grown a little tired of the Covid-era ’stache I’d been rocking for a few years, worried I was locking myself into the dated look of an aging, dirtbag Zillenial has-been.

Half-kidding, I asked her if she thought I could pull off a goatee—a style I’d always thought might be in my cards, thanks to the uniquely patchy chaos of my facial hair. She stopped cutting, looked me dead in the eye, and hit me with a stone-cold “Please don’t.”

I was staggered.

Without citing any sources, she explained how the mustache had only recently clawed its way back into the acceptable zone of facial hair because women, en masse, had declared it hot again. The goatee, on the other hand? Still exiled to the aesthetic dungeon of Guy Fieri, sex sickos, and certain WWE stars.

Her theory persuaded me. I stuck with the ’stache for another year—mostly out of concern for my sweet and loving girlfriend, who definitely wouldn’t appreciate a drastic change. And honestly? The mustache did what it needed to do. It framed my face without looking like a mistake. But I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d become a punchline about clog-wearing graphic designers.

Eventually, I let the mustache fade into my patchy beard that I could pretend was intentional. Still, the dissatisfaction grew. Now, staring at whiskers that are too long and scraggly to ignore but not quite substantial enough to embrace, I’m at a crossroads.

Do I shave it all off and risk looking like a juiceless pit bull? Or do I resurrect the mustache and lock myself into the cultural time capsule of the early 2020s? Neither feels satisfying.

This dilemma —combined with the ongoing discourse surrounding Timothée Chalamet’s experimental goatee— is why I’ve started wondering: Could there be a secret third way for men’s facial hair?

Fashion podcast Throwing Fits has this theory: if your girlfriend hates your sartorial risk, it might actually mean you’re onto something. Could the same logic apply to facial hair? If your partner despises your goatee, is it secretly… kind of… maybe… goated?

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What Even Is a Goatee?

Defining the goatee isn’t as simple as you’d think. Is it exclusively chin hair, or does a mustache-plus-chin combo count? Cambridge Dictionary hedges its bets with two definitions:

1. A small, usually pointed beard grown only on the chin.

2. A small beard grown in the middle, but not the sides, of the lower face.

I vote for broadening the definition—a full goatee (mustache + chin hair) deserves its due. And a quick Google image search reveals a range of goatee styles that back me up. Let’s now dive into the taxonomy of a few goatee types and see which could claim a spot in the secret third way of doing facial hair in 2025.

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Goatee Variations: The Good, the Bad, and the Unhinged

• The Chin Beard
  This Fred Durst-styled variant is probably the least promising option at the moment. Personally, I think it rules in a cool, ironic way. However, it leans too hard into Gen X nostalgia, which only Zoomers with a soft spot for Woodstock ’99 might appreciate. I don’t know if the culture is quite ready for this one yet. A looser, scruffier version (see: Justin Timberlake circa Justified)? That might work.

  

• The Landing Strip
  Put this on the No Fly list. Reminds me of a guy who’s a little too loud about his skills in, uh, cunnilingus.

  

• El Goatee Divorciado
  Hot off the A Complete Unknown press tour, Timothée Chalamet is pushing this look, and I respect it. His new scruff for Josh Safdie’s upcoming Marty Supreme has sparked debate, but it’s undeniably fresh. When I talk about being bullish on goatee, this is what I’m talking about.

  

  
  

  

• The GOATee
  Reserved for men over 35 with the gravitas to match until some swagged out zoomer proves me otherwise. Think Denzel Washington in Gladiator II—salt-and-pepper perfection. But tread carefully: if you’re under 35, you may risk looking like Kenny Powers. But maybe that’s the move? I’ve seen what Danny McBride looks like without the goatee, and folks, it ain’t good.

  

• The Deer Hunter
  Not quite a goatee, not quite a beard. This is Robert De Niro in The Deer Hunter, letting his under-chin and neck fuzz roam free. A chaotic but oddly compelling look. A reprieve from all the lined up beards fellas now wear to fake a jawline.

  

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I can’t guarantee that goatees will take over the way mustaches did from 2020 through 2024. They probably won’t. But youth culture has a way of rebelling against its predecessors. Who knows? Maybe the goatee becomes the ultimate Gen Z counterpoint to the Ted Lassofied Millennial ’stache.

So, should you push a goatee in 2025? If your girlfriend hates it, you might just be onto something.